Eli: 2 Months!

This past Friday Elijah turned 2 months. 2 MONTHS OLD. Already...Oh. Em. Gee. Where has the time gone?! I remember thinking the first few weeks when he was home how excited I was to just have a normal life at work again because (see previous post) I had a hard time transitioning to the IMMENSE lack of sleep which in turn made me emotional to the max. Anyways, that faded quickly and now I can't really grasp the idea that I am leaving my precious baby boy to start work again on Monday. I have cried everyday this week. Sometimes over nothing but a sweet smile from Eli and the waterworks start because I know I won't see that whenever I want anymore. I thought labor was hard. I thought no sleep was awful. Leaving him at daycare is going to be TORTURE. 

There is a little piece of me that does want to go back to work. I want to see my friends and be with my sweet little first graders. I love teaching...it is my passion and I am excited to be doing it again. Does it make it easier? No, not really. But this is what I figure: if I can do this, I can do ANYTHING. And that is the simple truth. I am going to be a better mommy because I will truly appreciate my time with him and I will look forward to 3:00 because I get to pick him up :) I also have such a great support system in my fellow mommies, my husband, and my friends/family. Everything will be ok. I just might look like this for the first week....or weeks (hey, leave me alone!)

And no, this is NOT Eli. This will be his 27 year old mommy. :)

Anywhooooo as promised, I said I would update on what milestones Eli has hit every month and little things he has done or is learning to do. Here are the highlights :)

TWO MONTH MILESTONES (and just some other cute stuff):

-He is able to pretty much hold his own head up. 

-He can lift himself up (his head) up with his forearms while on his tummy.

-He ALWAYS smiles. Maybe not always but he really is one happy baby!

-Recognizes his mommy and daddy and our voices.

-Coos and talks. Sometimes his talking is more like random, loud bursts. It is hilarious. 

-We are starting to like baths which is a great thing. Oh so great.

-No kidding, he likes to roll over from tummy to back. He has a little help from a pillow but he consistently does it. Yeah, he is advanced what can I say? (really it scares the beejeezus outta me)

-He no longer minds his diaper being changed (as a newborn he HATED IT).

-He did get diagnosed with acid reflux but he is on medication now. It seems to be helping although he still doesn't always finish his bottle and spits up. As long as he isn't in pain I am ok with it.

-His personality is developing everyday. And boy is it cute and funny and silly and opinionated. I LOVE IT.

-He is able to look at things and get excited or curious about them. 

-He has so many facial expressions now. I can't believe how quickly they learn to express themselves with just one look. I literally swoon over him everyday. God I love this kid. Like alot. Like intensely. Ok that's enough. 

Ok just a little more...he truly is the pride and joy of my life. I can't get enough of him. I really can't. I want to kiss his chubby cheeks every five seconds and nibble on his fat toes every day. I think I have a problem.

 He has so many people that love him. He is a lucky boy!

Working on my tummy mom!

So fresh and so clean!

 Seriously. Can you see why I have a squeezing/kissing/hugging/nibbling problem???

Blurry but he was so excited to see his puppy!

 Talking to Daddy...

 Laughing at or with Daddy. Not sure which.

There he is. My 2 month old. My sweet, precious, amazing, loud 2 month old. I am SO in love.

My husband

WARNING: The below post is a little mushy. Quit reading if gushiness offends, angers, or saddens you. If it makes you extremely happy, then by golly...keep reading!

With all the hustle and bustle of having a new baby, a new addition, to our growing family, I sometimes forget to say thank you to my biggest supporter and best friend: my husband.

After being married over 5 years by the time we had Elijah, Carlos and I were pretty set in our ways of doing basically whatever we wanted when we wanted. So you can imagine what an adjustment its been since our little man came. What I have come to realize is that our adventures now consist of waking up every morning to a beautiful baby boy who smiles when he hears our voices, hitting milestones like holding his head up, and when we can sneak away, enjoying every moment we can be selfish (even if it is just falling asleep in our own bed).

 Everyday Carlos wakes up and regardless of whether he got 4 hours or 7 hours of sleep, he still jokes and tries to make me smile on my less "fabulous" days. He takes time to be with Eli before work so he doesn't have to miss out on the little things that I get to see everyday. Carlos wants to provide for his family and do whatever it takes to make it happen. Through stressful times he has never once given up on me and in happy times he is the one that shares my laughter and joy. There is no other person in this world that I could ever ask for to be a better husband or father. I have never doubted his commitment to me and now to our family. I am not saying our marriage is perfect...by. any. means. We have had our share of fights and some of them are NOT PRETTY. But...its what happens AFTER the fight that counts. Carlos sticks around and hugs and kisses me and I know he always will. Good times or bad he is there and I am there for him. Our marital dynamics have changed with baby but our love and support of eachother has grown stronger. Its about the smallest of things. I LOVE when Carlos surprises me with a card or flowers or attempting to make dinner. I love those things more than the expensive or elaborate gifts (I mean, I love those too...who am I kidding) but in all seriousness, it truly is the littlest things that make the most difference. We both try to remember this and I wholeheartedly believe it is ONE of the reasons our marriage is so strong.

I really wish I could put into words how much my husband truly means to me and how everything he does makes me SO UNBELIEVABLY proud, but I can't. There may not even be adequate words to explain it and if there are, my writing skills sure as heck aren't strong enough to relay it. I think the pictures below can probably explain our love better than words. Cheesy....but so true.

This plus....

 this...

 equals this!

 Which in turn makes this....our beautiful family!

(please be kind looking at this picture. As a reminder, my labor lasted 18 hours. UGH)

Babe, 

          I am blessed to be on this life journey with you. To date it has been an incredibly fun, exciting, and love-filled ride. We have shared lots of laughs, tears, sadness, and happiness. Some days are better than others but in the end we always find ourselves in each other's arms. I get homesick when I'm not with you and never want to leave when I am with you. Thank you isn't enough for all that you do and all that you give to me and our son. I love you more than anything.

**I absolutely love The Pioneer Woman blog. Today is her wedding anniversary. I give her credit for the idea of organizing the above photos just so. What a beautiful thing it is when two people love eachother ...

Mommy and Son Day

Sometimes the simplest times are the best times! Today Elijah and I had such a wonderful Mommy and son day. It started off with a quick trip out to the backyard to let the pup out. Instantly, Eli started smiling and cooing...he is a sucker for the outdoors, the sun, the wind. He is such a boy! ;)

So I ran inside with him and grabbed some "supplies." If you live here in Central Texas you know that we have had NO rain this summer and we have had (and continue to have) record high temps. It is pretty miserable and everything that has to do with the outdoors has pretty much been off limits. To say the least, Eli hasn't been outside alot due to this reason. Anyways, I grabbed the blanket, our camera, and a ball for the pup. In the 3 square feet part of our yard that is still lush, green grass (literally 3 SQUARE FEET. UGH.) I laid out his blankie and put him on it. I sat next to him in the shade and he just laughed and cooed and smiled and kicked! He was truly in his element! I threw the ball with Leo and at times, Leo would just come and sit next to his "brother". Panting and smiling, he would wait patiently until I was done playing with Eli so I could throw his ball again. Such a good pup.

We were outside from 7:30am to about 8:15am. Eli didn't fuss or cry once while we were out there! I guess I know what I am doing everyday when its cool enough ;) It just makes me the happiest when I see my baby so happy. Such innocence and joy with something so simple as being outside. I really think we can learn alot from babies!

Baby inside...

Baby outside.

Ok, ok so he is happy inside too. But happier outside. 

Gee mom, you are the best! (I really think he was saying that. Truly.)

Best buds. Leo is such a great older brother.

Just talking.

So excited!

I am pretty sure he is so overwhelmed by excitement here that he just didn't know what to do with himself.  Pretty sure. :)

My little, happy, beautiful boy. *swoon*

Cooing in the wind. :)

And our adventures don't stop there! I wanted to go to baby and mommy yoga. I was really nervous about going with a 7 week old but I forced myself to get over it, get in the car, and get to the studio. I went to the same place I went for prenatal yoga. I love this place. It is a small, 2 room yoga studio where the people who work there remember you and you see the same people in class. It is such an intimate setting and its environment is so conducive to meeting new people!

I am so happy (and thankful because we made it) that I went!

I got there, not knowing what to expect, and was greeted by the instructor who told me and 3 other mommies to relax...we could nurse or change diapers right there in the studio, there was no need to leave the room. She reassured us that most babies will fuss at one point or another and that is ok. The important thing was our intention of spending time with our babies. Right away I felt more comfortable.

At first, Eli was a little fussy. He had just woken up from a nap and didn't want to be put flat on his back while I stretched. Finally I gave him a little bit to eat and he was fine the rest of the hour long class. He ABSOLUTELY LOVED doing the baby stretches and "helping" mommy do her poses.  We sang and posed and danced and smiled. It was the best time I have ever had exercising! I wish I would have gotten pictures of his first yoga class but maybe next time. I plan on going everyday Tuesday (they only hold it once a week) until I go back to work. Because it is in the middle of the day, I won't be able to go after I am back in the classroom. But, I have a solution! I am going to combine the best of both worlds! I am going to try to go outside in the morning with my yoga mat and Elijah and I are going to do some yoga! What a great way for us to continue our bond and have a peaceful, fun time before the rest of our day. Will it result in better napping skills? Only time will tell...

Labor Day Weekend

This last weekend was Labor Day weekend and it was so nice to have three days where we could see friends, family and just hang out with us three as a little family unit.  We got alot done that we had been putting off or rather, just have not been able to do because of severe lack of time. And we crossed a major hurdle this weekend.  Elijah has his first sleepover. Yes, its true.

Eli got to spend Saturday night with his Grandma Saenz. She had been asking us to let her take him for weeks so we could rest but I just wasn't ready to be apart from him. I really don't think I was ready this time either but I needed some sleep. And some time alone with my husband. So I gave in.

Now not every mother agrees with the idea of letting a less than 2 month old go and spend the night somewhere other than home, but one thing I have realized is that no mother should judge another mother. We all do things differently and we all need to support one another. I won't lie. It was EXTREMELY hard to leave my little man with someone else. I trust Carlos' mom very, very much and the fact she works at a daycare makes it even more reassuring that she knows how to keep up with a baby's needs. But nonetheless, I cried when I said goodbye to him. I was silent the entire way home with Carlos just holding my hand. I needed the car ride to just gather my emotions and realize that Eli was safe and that he wasn't mad at me (yes...I thought he would be mad at me when he figured out I wasn't there in the middle of the night).  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I kept feeling guilty (there is that word again!) because we needed some time to ourselves. I felt like I was at a crossroads: do I just suffer through the exhaustion and continue to feel frustrated but not leave my baby or do I leave him overnight, sleep, and ultimately feel much better the next day? The right choice was obvious but it doesn't mean it was easy :/

By the time we got home I was ok. It was eerily silent in the house and I kept thinking I heard him crying (its those dang phantom baby noises that I know all you mamas out there hear. And when you look at the monitor, baby is sound asleep. Oh yeah you know what I'm talkin' about). Carlos and I were able to finish the bottle of wine we had gotten at dinner (oh yeah we went on a date before hand...we had to take full advantage of this!) and watched a few episodes of a show. Then we went to bed. And we slept...for like 8 1/2 hours. Granted, I woke up a few times because I think I am just used to it now, but the important thing is we got rest. And it was glorious. 

The next day (Sunday) we were able to clean the house...like REALLY clean it and then go grocery shopping without being rushed outta there by a screaming baby. Then of course we rushed over to Carlos' mom's house so I could snuggle my little love bug. And I am gonna say this: I felt refreshed and rejuvenated and ready to be the best mom I could be. My little break from Eli made me want to be better for him. The overnight stay was good for us as parents and it was good for us as a married couple. We needed some us time even if we felt old staying in on a Saturday on our "night off" :) 

On Sunday we had some friends over to watch the A&M vs SMU game.  You better believe Eli was decked out in maroon! I could kick myself for not taking any pictures of him watching his first A&M game. Oh yeah, thats right. He SLEPT through the entire thing! I put him in his crib fully expecting him to wake up at least by halftime but no...he slept through the whole game! Well at least the adults enjoyed themselves! It was nice to be able to drink and laugh and just enjoy adult time with the ones we love. And we were loud ya'll. Like, really loud and Elijah didn't wake up...thats my boy :)

On actual Labor Day, we just kind of hung around the house. I would have loved to go to a pool party we were invited to but I got nervous of the idea of keeping Eli out in the sun somewhere that wasn't home. So Carlos got his work done for the next day and later in the afternoon we went to East Metro Park, laid out a blanket under a huge tree, stripped our little sunblock lathered baby to his diaper, and enjoyed an hour in the AMAZING weather. Carlos ran the pup a bit and Eli laid contently in the shade. He LOVED when the wind would blow. He would close his eyes and coo. Cutest thing I have ever seen (ok, EVERYTHING he does is the cutest thing ever).  It was a beautiful afternoon with our beautiful family :) Lets hope the weather cols down a little more so we can do more of this outside stuff. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to breathe fresh air...

Our little park setup :)

The wind was blowing here. Bliss.

I just like his face in this one :)

He was talking in this one. I am pretty sure he was telling me how much he loves me and how great I am. Pretty sure.

My two main men. My two  proudest decisions  right here.

Beautiful park (besides the drought ridden grass) and beautiful weather!

Lets not forget the pup. He loved the park too. Isn't he handsome?

Mommy guilt

Guilt.

Its a 5 letter word that carries alot of weight when you are a new mom. It is an emotion that I have felt about various things since I had Elijah. I am here to share a few of those things that I have felt guilty about. Some of them I have come to terms with and some, well, not so much.


Nursing: This has by far been the hardest thing for me. Because of having a C-Section there have been a couple issues I won't go into. Just know that I couldn't nurse for the first few weeks which led to supplementing with formula. Aaannnd this is where the guilt started. I felt awful that I had to give my baby some synthetically produced milk because thats not "the best" thing for him. But lets be honest...this child went from 7 lbs to 10 in a matter of three weeks. He is an eater! Anyways, I tried nursing several times and it is by far, one of the HARDEST things I have ever done. I am sure alot of moms out there can agree with me on this. It hurts, it seems like all you ever do is nurse, you are exhausted, etc etc etc. Well I am happy to say that I FINALLY was able to start nursing again recently. But now...well my production is slowing down ALOT. Of course I feel guilty about this because somehow I have convinced myself it is my "fault". I am doing everything in my power to make it last...phenugrek supplements, extra pumping/ nursing as often as I can. The next few days will tell whether or not I can continue nursing or not. The point is this: Yes, I feel guilty. Rational Jessica knows that I shouldn't. Mommy Jessica feels like I am doing my child a disservice. Is formula going to hurt him? No (duh!) but I think part of the guilt comes from what society expects. I get the most RANDOM people asking "Are you breastfeeding?" (like its really any of their business) and I answer "I am doing my best" with a smile on my face. Maybe soon I will come to terms with the fact I probably won't nurse for much longer (especially with impending daycare) but for now this is one that I haven't quite comes to terms with yet.

See this chunk?!! Case and point.

Daycare/Staying at home: So this is a tricky one. For starters, I have always known that we did not have a choice when it came to daycare. As two teachers we both have to work or else we just can't make it financially. So that means our children have to go to a daycare. I have absolutely nothing against daycare or working mothers. I actually quite admire them...women who can go to work all day and come home, switch into mommy mode, and do it all over again the next day....well thats impressive! We have a great daycare lined up for little guy. It is in a lutheran church and it is literally 3 minutes up the road from my work. I know in my heart that he will be in amazing hands and will thrive by being around other little ones and getting to socialize with other adults. But I am also extremely sad that I can't be the one who takes care of him every day. I am his mom. I am the one who feeds him, rocks him, changes him, knows his noises and cries. I worry that they will not understand what he wants or needs at daycare. Again, rational Jessica knows this is silly but mommy Jessica is still feeling guilt at having to leave them with people he doesn't know yet. My biggest fear (don't worry, I am aware it is also irrational) is that he will forget who I am or that he will be "mad" at me. Yeah, I know, I know.

So why does it say "Daycare/Staying at home" you ask? Well as much as I hate the idea of having to leave my baby everyday to go to work, I also look forward to being able to go back to the job I love so much. Thankfully, I love my career, what I do, and the people I work with. I think I have realized over the last 6 weeks that I am NOT stay-at-home mommy material. I enjoy my days with Eli...until about 4:00 and then I start to get tired of being in full-on-no-help mommy mode. I start to get frustrated and honestly, I just want someone else to take him for a bit. The guilt stems from the other half of me just wanting to go back to work for my own sanity. I truly believe that the time I get with Eli after work and on the weekends will be that much more precious and I won't feel so burned out so fast. So this is a double edged sword. I am torn by two conflicting feelings. I am sure in time, the guilt will fade but for now I am working on just allowing myself to feel OKAY with the whole thing.

Carlos: I don't really discuss this with my husband but I do occasionally feel guilty about handing over the baby to Carlos when he gets home from work. He has had a very long, exhausting day and he comes home to a wife who smells like sour milk, is lucky if she's brushed her hair, and is handed a (usually fussy) baby. But this is why I love him so much and why I know Elijah has such an amazing daddy: He has never once complained...not ONCE. He takes him and loves on him and talks with him while I get a mommy break (heck, even doing dishes is ok as long as I can do it without holding the baby!). He is truly amazing and my foundation. I love him so much and even though I do feel guilt about this at times, I know that he doesn't mind. And when we both go back to work it will be different. Who knows, we may even fight over who gets to hold baby ;)

Amazing daddy...awesome husband...perfect little boy. 

So in closing on the guilt topic...I think guilt is just one of those things I will always feel as a mom. Whether its about daycare or grounding him because he was out past curfew, it comes with the mommy territory. The best thing to do is probably just come to terms with that realization and just focus on the time I have with him and not what I may or may not be doing wrong.

__________________________________________________________________

Changing directions here because I had to share this little bit of what I did yesterday and how I felt about it. :)

I had my final doctors appointment yesterday to make sure I was healed and that I was ready to resume all normal activities. Thankfully, everything looked great and I was cleared. I got to show off Eli to the doctor who brought him into this world (such a neat experience by the way) and I scheduled my annual appointment. Thats right, not my next prenatal appointment or an ultrasound. Just a boring annual checkup. I almost teared up a little! Look, its not secret that I was not IN LOVE with being pregnant. I enjoyed it up until about the 3rd trimester...maybe it had something to do with being that pregnant in 1,000 degree weather or my cankles. Either way, I realized in that moment that I was sad that my first pregnancy journey was ending. Good times and bad, it was a journey that brought me my beautiful miracle and it was like closing a chapter because we were starting this new one. I might be crazy but I was truly sad. It took Carlos and I SEVEN months to finally get pregnant, I was pregnant for nine...this had been a good year and few months of my life for goodness sake! It was a strange feeling knowing I wouldn't be seeing my doctor every month or the awesome nurses that work in her office. No more ultrasounds, no more heart tones. But then I looked down at my beautiful baby boy, screaming his head off, and I smiled. And then I looked at my skinny, non-swollen, pretty feet and suddenly, I was over it. I left the office, glad I wasn't returning until January. That book was closed and a new one has been opened and I really couldn't be happier!

Even with all the guilt...my little man is happy and thats all I wish for him.